Go your own way

If you've known me for any length of time, you know that my dad passed away in February.  He had heart problems for as long as I could remember.  He fought a galliant battle against cancer the last couple of years of his life.  The irony was that the medication he had taken for so many years to protect his heart and to fight the cancer caused his liver and kidneys to fail in the long run.  The very things we thought would kill him....well...didn't, at least not straightaway. 

I remember thinking, after that initial moment of finding out he was gone, that the first couple of weeks after his death were almost too easy.  I guess the shock was just too great.  There was a lot of company and casseroles.  For that, I will be forever grateful.  After a couple of weeks, the anger set in.  I don't even really know who I was mad at.  I don't think my anger was directed toward anyone in particular.  It was just more of a general anger because my dad was taken away from me.  I vaguely remember people asking me how I was doing and thinking, "How in the heck do you think I'm doing?  My dad is dead."  It seems like a few well-intentioned folks have no idea that anger is a part of the process of healing from a loss of this magnitude.  Even some of my own family expressed some sort of concern over the fact that I was mad.  How unfortunate that people don't realize the toll a loss can take on someone.  I didn't want to feel the anger.  It was just there.  I may not have always handled it properly.  I'm not really sure who should get an apology from me...these days were a fog...but rest assured that I am sorry if I responded to anyone in a way that may have offended.

The third stage of grief is bargaining.  I don't think I went through this phase.  My dad had struggled for so long that, while I would love for him to still be here, I am at peace with where he is.  I'm relieved that he's whole again.  God took him to heaven to make him well.  But the underlying depression/anger is still there.  Most days, I feel a void.  It's like I'm just going through the motions.  I feel alone.  Now is when the company would be nice. 

There is a Bible verse from Daniel that keeps me looking forward.  Daniel 12:13 says, "As for you, go your way till the end.  You will rest, and at the end of the days you will rise to receive your allotted inheritance." 
I then shall live.